


What If (you should decide)

by Bethhhhh



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV), Thirteen Reasons Why - Jay Asher
Genre: (Maybe) Eventual Smut, 13 reasons why alternative ending, Angst, Clays POV (May change mostly not), Clays growing confidence, Definite fluff, Drug Use, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Songs as chapter names meaning, Unplanned, Up In The Air - Freeform, Will get less and less canon as the chapters go on, Wish me luck, alternative ending, first fic lets be nice about it, may get dark, more to come - Freeform, not finished, teen drink, updates as quick as i can write them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2018-10-18 16:35:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10620837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bethhhhh/pseuds/Bethhhhh
Summary: "What if there was no lieNothing wrong, nothing rightWhat if there was no timeAnd no reason, or rhymeWhat if you should decideThat you don't want me there by your sideThat you don't want me there in your life"_____________________________________________What if Clay never got those tapes. What if tony never got them either. What if Hannah hasn't made them yet and no one ever heard, "Hey it's Hannah, Hannah Baker. That's right, don't adjust... whatever device you're hearing this on. It's me, live and in stereo...." What if this is one of the many possible conclusion to Hannah's life months before she even decides to end it but Clay dreams it first. Clay can only take this dream a warning, forcing him to take action to change himself, those around him and the course of Hannah's life, making her see all the reasons for living, making her understand what she'd be missing and leaving behind. What if Hannah should decide she can live as long as Clay Jensen is beside her.I am in no way intending to diminishing the severity or importance of child/teenage suicide with this story, only trying to give a happy ending for characters that I believe deserve it.





	1. A Bad Dream

**Author's Note:**

> Really not sure where this is going yet but I'm enjoying writing it so far!  
> The fic is named after the song, "What If" - By Coldplay. I think the song covers the premise of the show, Hannah's feelings, and Clays so I felt like I had to use it as the title name.  
> Each chapter will be named after songs that I think cover theme(s) within in the chapter or the story at that moment, listen during or after it's up to you or don't listen at all, it's completely your choice.  
> Chapter One is named after "A Bad Dream" - By Keane.  
> I hope you enjoy this story and a little bit of happiness for these characters that well and truly deserve.

 

I shoot up in a blind panic. Sweat dripping from every pore. My shirt is clinging to me, suffocating me, I jump to my feet out of bed and run out my bedroom slamming into the bathroom door. My head bounces back off the door falling onto my back. 

"Clay." 

NO! My hands reach to my ears, pressing them hard into my head. 

"Helmet." 

I sit up and rush to my feet, stumbling yet again into the door slamming it behind me, I reach for the sink to steady myself. I rip my shirt from my body throwing it with force on the floor. It's so saturated it makes a loud slapping sound. 

"Your name does not belong on this list-"

I turn the tap on viscously throwing the cold water onto my face, letting it drip down my body, the water still not cooling me down.

"-but you need to be here if I'm going to tell my story-"

I turn and slam my hand against the power button on the shower, "Stop it" my voice lower than a whisper, shedding my boxers and falling into the cold waterfall trying to cool myself off, my body still burning. 

"-because you aren't every other guy, you're different." 

I slam my hand against my head, "stop it!" My hand constantly hitting my head over and over and over again "STOP!"

"CLAY?!! Honey, what's all the noise are you okay?"

My head turns towards the sound of my mother's voice coming through the bathroom door, breaking me out of my trance calming me a little. I take a deep breath, both arms taking my weight on the wall leaning with the water falling on me, cooling me. 

"Honey?!"

I don't understand what it was? How could I have dreamed that? How could I have conjured up something so...so... disgusted, disturbing and awful? What type of person does that? Thinks all that? 

"Clay? That's it I'm coming in!"

"No mom! Stop I'm fine, I had a bad dream is all! Don't come in here, boundaries!" 

I turn the shower off and swipe open the curtain reaching for a towel, wrapping it around my waist. I step out onto the shower mat and dry my feet picking up my discarded clothes and shoving them in the laundry basket 

"I..okay.. are you alright? Do you want some hot chocolate to calm you down?"

I roll my eyes and conceal a loud sigh opening the door, she's closer than I was expecting, making me jump back, "No mom I'm not six, God!" She looks wide awake and worried her brows creased together, looking me up and down. 

"Okay well, do you want to talk about it?"

"No mom, I just had a bad dream okay? Not a big deal."

"Then why are you in the shower? What was all the noise?"

"I- nothin- what's with the third degree? I woke up in a sweat okay?" I state flustered pushing past her heading back to my bedroom. "I wanted a shower to cool down" 

She follows me to my bedroom, "Clay, what did you dream about that got you in such a state?"

I reach the door of my bedroom and turn to her, "I don't know mom I can't remember, just forget it okay? I'm fine." 

"Um..okay well.. I.." 

I lean on my door closing it slightly, "Mom, please don't worry okay? G'night"

"Okay honey if you're sure you're alright? 

"I am, now go back to bed okay?"

I gave her a reassuring smile, trying my best not to show what my brain is going over and still trying to process.

"Okay night sweetie"

I give her one last smile before closing the door stumbling forward dropping onto my bed, the sheets still wet from my... dream? No, it can't have been, it was too vivid so specific. Nightmare? That hits the mark. I can still see the blood, her arms I.... "No stop it!" I sit with my elbows on my knees, head in my hands still not able to understand what I have witnessed.

I get up and check my phone that's charging on my desk. It's 5:29 brilliant. School in just under 3 hours and the stupid basketball game is today, and I promised Jeff I would go. Shit. No early night for me tonight then. While I'm standing I get another pair of boxers and chuck my towel over my desk chair and lie back down. My mind starts to go over everything I dreamt, everything I imagined that happened to Hannah from Justin's picture to that stupid list to Bryce. I shudder and try my best not to think about that in any more detail, I can feel my stomach churn just thinking his name. 

The hours pass as I go over it in my head realizing even in my dilution of horror that I managed to let myself think she wanted me or would want me to love her. I laugh at myself, "Idiot", I really do need to get a life. Feeling a little better I let myself relax and close my eyes. I don't sleep I just think, slowly my room gets lighter as the sun begins to rise I try to think over the dream one last time telling myself it was nothing more than that. Just a dream. Though something sticks out at me. Today's date is the same date as the basketball game in my dream, in the dream, at the game she called me over and we talked. She talked about Justin and I didn't really talk about anything in particular I was just my normal awkward self. The next day I saw her speaking to Justin on the bus, that night they went on their date, the same date with Hannah that Justin took that picture of her and they day after it circled the school. I wonder if the dates mean anything? “Shut up you dumbass”, I roll over in bed and remind myself that this was just a dream. I need to stop obsessing about the poor girl who is barely my friend in the first place! A voice in the back of my head speaks louder and louder, “What if this isn't just a coincidence? What if it's a sign a warning?”. It's ringing in the back in of my head but what am I meant to do? Even if it did mean anything what am I meant to say to her? “Oh hey Hannah sorry to bother you but you shouldn't go on a date with Justin when he eventually asks you out as he’s the first thing in a list of many that are going to make you take your own life, instead you should come out with me because you will end up falling in love with me! Oh and if you don't believe me, my dream said so, so it's obviously the truth.” I’ll either come off sounding batshit crazy or ridiculously jealous, most likely both. 

I hear the door knock, “Clay! Get up time for school, you're going to be late!”

 

“Yeah, okay Dad” 

Getting up and ready I decide to try my best to forget about this stupid dream and try and to get through the day and it works. It works when I’m making my morning coffee and making small talk with my Dad when I get on my bike and ride to school, even when passing Monets and work on the way. I get to school and lock up my bike, - It’s still working - I'm a little late but I still need to get to my locker to get my math book for first period. I cut through the quad and hurry through the doors just around the corner from my locker, the halls are basically empty the second bell must already rang, damn it. I quickly turn the corner and run right into her. It suddenly stopped working. 

It was strange seeing her after my dream, I have the urge to hug her, roll up her sleeves check her arms, check her pulse, tell her I love her, kiss her but I don't. I just stand there, looking at her. 

“Wow Helmet! In a bit of a hurry are we?”

Her voice for some reason startles me, I stand, still completely silent at a loss for words.

“Not even a “Sorry?” What happen to the well mannered brown haired Ellen we all love so much?”

She smiles at her little quip, that big beautiful smile, that - if possible - silences me even more. 

Her smile fades and her hand reaches out and touches my arm, “Clay? You okay?”, her eyebrows draw together her concern showing on her face, her hand squeezing my bicep. 

Her touch brings me out of silence and I shake my head, “I.. yeah sorry. I'm fine! Great even! Sorry for running into you like that, I’m was just in a daze, sorry.” I flash her a smile in efforts to cover up my train of thought. She finds my eyes and we stay looking at each other for a while, she drops her hand suddenly realizing she was still touching me, giving me another one of her smiles, I move around her to my locker, she turns around facing me again, “You sure?”

I look up from my locker and open it when I turn my head, I look at her, the light hitting her just right, her hair normally a striking dark brown practically glowing as she tucks a strand behind her ear stepping a little closer, “Yeah Hannah, just didn't sleep much last night, treacherous nightmare-” I try to joke “-trust me, it would scare even you”. I flash her a smile and look back into my locker grabbing my book. 

“Oh come on now, the scariest dream to come out of Clay Jensen's head is one of my sweetest dreams”, she smiles beginning to walk backwards. 

“I’m not so sure, this one would have you shaking in your denim jacket.” 

“Touche Helmet!” She lets out a little laugh, “Promise you’ll tell me all about so I can survive the next shift at the Clermont?”

Her words shake me a little, I don’t know if her use of the word “survive” or that she made plans to actually interact with me in a non-awkward way...excluding the dream topic I guess. “Sure-” I shove my book into my backpack and swing the bag onto my back, “-if you think you can take it” I wink at her, I don't know where the inclination came from but it makes her smile so I go with it.

“It’s a date.” She gives me another toothy grin, again walking further backwards, “See you later Helmet.” She turns around and begins to walk right, down the hall towards her English class.

I smile, shutting my locker ready to walk to class that I’m now definitely late for but before I go I shout, “Hey Hannah?!” 

She stops in her tracks turning again, both hands pulling on the straps of her backpack, the light hitting her features making her look angelic, the thought though beautiful still bone shuddering after last night's events, “Uh...thanks for asking though I guess, I appreciate it”. 

She smiles yet again, - that's six in just one morning - “You’re welcome Clay, what are friends for right?” 

Friends. I look down to the ground smiling, looking back at her once more our smiles both meet just before we turn going our separate ways. I walk on, glancing back just once more before she disappears down the other hall just catching her eyes looking at me too. 

As I walk into math, the teacher telling me off, I couldn't care less. I ignore her as I take my seat and think about the fact that Hannah, Hannah Baker looked back at me as I walked away. 

 

The rest of the day passes pretty quickly and before I know it, I'm with Jeff helping him cram for a test he has after lunch. Another lunch time in the school library something I’m very accustomed too. 

“Hey Clay?”, I look up from my computer to Jeff who has his arm folded over his book leaning towards me, not studying. 

“Shhh”, the librarian oh so clichely says, and I whisper back, “Yes Jeff, who apparently is going to pass his biology test without even looking at a biology book?”

He chuckles and leans a little closer, “It's too late now, nothing's going in will, I’ll just need to wing it, I was going to ask you if you’re going to keep your promise?” 

I let my head drop, “Yes I’m still planning to go to the stupid game, full of people who share my mutual disliking of them towards me. Why are you so set on me going anyway?” I watch him straighten his back with a big smug smile on his face. His voice booming through the aisles and the computer rows so that I'm sure every person on both floors of the library hears him basically scream, “It's my objective to get you laid by the end of the year Jensen. So you must go to the game!”, I lean forward and punch his arm and he laughs, I look around as people start chuckling my face reddens and I lower my head, still laughing he continues “and to do that little buddy we need to get you out and socializing, comprende?” 

“Boys, last warning quiet down.” The librarian shouts from her desk. 

“Sorry Mrs. Kim”, Jeff flashed her his lady killer smirk and she blushes and looks away. He turns back to me and chuckles again back to his whispering tone, “Dude, your face is bright red?!”. 

I stare at him, “Yeah no shit you idiot! I wonder why that is?!” 

“God Jensen lighten up, you’re even more tense than usual today what's up?”, he shuts the book obviously completely giving up on studying so I follow in suit by shutting the lid of my laptop, sitting back both hands rubbing my eyes, “I had a nightmare last night, I’ve been up since like 4.45, I guess the dreams just sticking with me today. I’m also fucking exhausted.”

He looks at me and shakes his head a little, “Oh to have your problems little Clay.” He leans forward and ruffles my hair, I lean to the side and try to avoid him but his other hand reaches around and gets me anyway. I shove his hand off me and sit back in my chair the both of us laughing.

We end up talking for the rest of lunch about nothing in particular, mostly him mocking me from my hair to my clothes - which today I didn’t think was too bad at least I wasn't wearing a hoody - and if only to spare me the bell rang and we began to pack up our stuff. We started walking towards the doors taking us into the quad, he turned me towards him his hand in my shoulder squeezing my neck like he's my dad and I feel oddly childlike standing in front of him, his overbearing height over me not helping. 

“Right Jenson, tonight's game plan is to set your sight on a girl, any girl and go and have literally any type of conversation, got it?” He moves his arm back and forwards moving me along with it as if he's shaking what he’s saying into me, “Yeah right okay, can you get off me man?”. I look around at the people staring and he laughs removing his hand and hitting me on the side of my arm, I don't think understanding his batter's arm strength or my pathetic weakness.

“Right Clay I’ll see you later tonight at some point I’m sure. If you need a ride home text me 'kay?” He says zipping his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. 

“Yeah okay thanks, dude, uh good luck with that bio quiz not to be a dick but you’re going to need it”. I say wincing a little thinking I might have overstepped my mark in this strange friendship we are in. 

He laughs, “No bro, don't worry I sit next to Courtney Crimsen, didn’t need to study just wanted to make sure you weren't going to back to on me.” He says smile his pearly whites and walks off towards the science wing of the school, “Later dude!” He calls over his shoulder. 

I laugh to myself, Idiot. 

 

Last period is communications, the only class I share with Hannah, I get there early and take my seat trying not to look towards the door waiting for her to come in. The class fills up person by person, Justin comes in alone with pep in his step and even though he’s done nothing - in the back of my head something shouts out “Yet!” - I still want to knock the stupid grin off his face. Then she enters. Hands in her jacket pocket head up and for some reason biting her lower lip. Her lips that are pinker and plumper than anything I’ve ever seen, drawing your eyes down only to be lifted with her deep blue eyes. Not too dark and not too light, just the right shade of blue that when looking into them, they make it as if you are falling into the sea, deeper and deeper, even with might finding it impossible to stop - not that you would want to. I can’t draw myself away having lived through my dream, the mere thought of never seeing her again, her lips, her eyes all of her is enough to drop me to my knees. 

Her dark eyes meet my light ones and she smiles again - that’s 8 - and finds her seat. Try as I might, I can’t help but stare. I try to hide my glances by looking when she's reading or writing or looking in any other direction and though she might not show it, I know she catches me at least twice. 

The class passes far too quickly, given I had not taken any notes the full lesson I quickly shut my notebook and remind myself to ask someone for them later. I look over and Hannah has already moved from her seat, I give a disappointing huff just when I feel the pat on my shoulder. I zip up my bag and turn my head to find those beautiful deep blues staring right at me. Taken aback by her closeness I freeze a little before her smile knocks me out of it. “Hannah hey, ‘sup?” 

“I just wanted to say I might see you at the game tonight.” She says doing a full circle turn edging closer to the door. Smiling again.

“ Um yeah sure I’ll..-wait how did you know I was going” As I sling my bag over my shoulder I slowly begin to follow her towards the door. 

Her now walking backwards reaching the door frame, looking like she's holding in a laugh, sprouts out with a huge grin, “Oh you know… I may have been in the library at lunch.”  
My brain tries to think how her being in the library at lunch means she- then it hits me. Jeff. My mouth widens, opening it to speak but nothing but muffled air and a nervous laugh comes out, my hand reaches up and rubs my neck. My brain somehow unable to think of any words that would rectify this unfortunate situation. She then bites her lip trying to stifle a laugh and failing, gives me a wink and turns around walking out the class shouting over her shoulder, “See you at the game Jensen.”

12 times. That's all I can think.


	2. The Games We Play

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is named after the song "The games we play" - By Andreas Johnson, have a listen if you want to! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

It takes me a little longer than usual to get home from school, my mind thinking over Hannah’s words at the door, her little wink that I can only guess is a repeat of mines from earlier that morning. When I arrive home no one's here so I run upstairs, take my laptop out my backpack and start it up on my desk, thinking I can maybe get communications class notes typed up. I plug my phone in and sit down in my desk chair heading to Facebook to message someone for the notes, I look down the list of people who are online and I catch Courtney's name. I open up her window and start typing 

Clay Jensen: Hey Courtney, I was a little spaced in communications, could you send me the note from today? 2.44pm

Clay Jensen: Please! 2.46pm 

Courtney Crimsen: Sure, one second Clay. 2.47pm

Courtney Crimsen: Sent 2 Pictures to you. 2.49pm

Clay Jensen: Thank you! 2.50pm 

Courtney Crimsen: No problem, it’s not like you to not be focused in class what's got you so distracted? 2.52pm 

Clay Jensen: Nothing, just a little tired you know? Thanks for the notes Courtney, ‘appreciate it. 2.54pm 

I open up the pictures and pull out my notebook, beginning to take the notes I get another message notification, but I ignore it.

My phone buzzes on the desk I pick it up and read the Message on the lock screen. 

Jeff Atkins: Hey bro, I’ll still see you at the game right?! 3.11pm

I unlock my phone and open the message app.

Clay Jensen: Yea yea sure, I’ll see you there. 3.12pm 

Jeff Atkins: Remember the plan dude! Conversation. With. Any. Girl. 3.14pm 

Clay Jensen: I’ll give it my best shot. 3.14pm 

Jeff Atkins: It’s all I’m asking Jensen. Remember if you need a ride, hit me up kay? 3.15pm

Clay Jensen: Yeah cool. Thanks, man! 3.16pm 

I put my phone down and read but don’t open Courtney last message 

Courtney Crimsen Sent: Okay Clay if you're sure, I’m always here if you need to talk Xx 2.55pm

I shut my laptop and put my notebook in my rucksack. I get up and walk towards my wardrobe, pulling on a flannel shirt then heading downstairs into the kitchen. I make a beeline towards the refrigerator and pull myself a bottle of water out of the fridge and an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter top. 

I head towards the front door picking up my keys off the hook, swinging the door open walking right into my Dad. “Hey, kiddo, where you off too?” , he says walking in the doorway me walking out, I look up to him Giving him a little smirk, “I am off to a basketball game.” My Dad's eyebrows rise, “Wow. Didn’t think you were into Basketball?” He laughs a little and I laugh back, “Oh yeah, big fan! You know 3 pointers, free throws, penalties.” I walk further out the door, my Dad still laughing shouts to me, “Ah yes, all those. Well, have fun and be safe! We’ll save you dinner, try not be too late. Okay?” I look back and he's leaning in the door frame, I shoot him a smile and shout, “Yeah okay thanks Dad, later!” 

I run down the steps and start walking towards the school. I pull a pair of headphones out of my back pocket. I plug them in, and start up a, “I miss the 00’s” playlist. I start walking, my head drifting to what Jeff's “plan” is and how I'm actually going to be able to go through with this. Who am I going to speak to and when I start talking how am I going to make it not awkward? I know who i would like to speak to, but the chance she will have a full conversation with me are slim. 

The longer I think about it, the more impossible of a task it seems. I finally arrive at school just before the game starts, I walk in the front doors and start walking towards the gym hall’s main entrance. Before I walk through them I hear Jeff's voice behind me, “Jensen! You’re actually here?! Brilliant, here-” he throws me a tootsie roll and a can of coke as he passes, “-charm your girl of choice with a little sugar, huh?”

I just catch both of them and I smile at him, “Thanks, dude.” I shout to him as he passes. I just catch the stupid grin his face is supporting. 

I turn and enter the gym hall, the game already having started. Turning right and begin climbing the stands looking for a seat. 

“Jensen!”

I hear my name being called but assuming it was someone trying to take the piss out of me I ignore it and keep climbing up the stand. 

“Clay Jensen! Helmet!”

After hearing her nickname for me, I'm hit with a massive wave of deja vu, stilling me. My dream plays over in my head, it happened like this. I shake my head, stop thinking about the stupid dream clay. 

I look up towards her, she waves me over, “Oh, hey”, I make my way across to her apologizing to the people who are moving for me. 

“So you made it from the library I see”, she says hiding a grin. I stifle a nervous laugh, my face heating up again, “Uh yeah I guess so.” I look around trying to find somewhere to sit, our conversation most likely not going to last much longer.

“So sit.” She grins. This shocks me a little I look at her and sit down. A wave of Deja vu hits me harder than the last time. In my head I hear her voice, clear as a bell, ‘You always stand and fidget. It makes me anxious.’

“You always stand and fidget. It makes me anxious.” She states this as she glances as the game. I'm shocked to stillness, I could throw up. It must be a coincidence. This isn't actually happening, is it? I shake my head and think what came next in the dream- I offered her some tootsie roll and he laughs and asked how could I eat those, ‘Seriously, what does that look like to you?”. I take a steadying breath. 

I look at her, “Tootsie roll?”, she chuckles. - my breath held in anticipation waiting for her to say anything, other than the words I’m thinking - “How can you eat those? Seriously what does that look like to you?” 

Time seem to stand still. I can’t quite comprehend what’s happening. Is this real? Did I actually dream something that hasn't happened yet? Not sure how to handle myself I admit a nervous laugh and spout, “Like all that is good and sweet in the world.” and I take a bite. I don't know why I said it, I don't even like stupid tootsie rolls but she laughs and it lowers my fears. 

I don’t know what I’m meant to do? I need to try this again, to see f it actually works.

"So, uh,-" I clear my throat, "-I didn't take you as a sports person?” If my dream is right she’ll reply ‘I wanted to get the complete high school experience’

“I wanted to the get full high school experience.” Still unsure of what I’m meant to do I track her eye line down to where Justin is on the court, he smiles at her and she smiles back. No, if this is real- which is looking more and more evident- even if this is a coincidence I can't let this happen, I’m not willing to risk it. 

“So what? Justin is the complete high school experience?” I spit out not even trying to hide the venom in my words. Her response will be ‘Shut up, don't be jealous, Clay. You’ll fill out some day. Maybe. Is your dad also thin and nervous?’ I'm irritated by this answer that I'm becoming more and more positive she will give me.

She looks at me and nudges her shoulder into mine, “Shut up-” her head looks down trying to hide her little grin, she starts to continue but I interrupt her not willing to be pushed to the side on this. She can’t like him, not after what he’s done! Or I guess what he's going to do.

“What? You think he’s all that cause he play basketball?” I turn to look her in the eye, “You deserve someone better than Justin Foley, he treats everyone like shit and you, of all people, don't deserve his shit.” Our eyes hold for a couple of seconds. 

“Don't be jealous, Clay.” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and looks back out onto the court. I laugh a little, unknown to me where my confidence came from, “Why not? He’s an asshole, Hannah. Trust me I’ve known him longer than you. You're smart, stay away from him.”

She looks back at me, I'm not able to read her expression, she stares for a little longer before shaking her head, “Damn Helmet where’d that come from? I’m feeling a lot of pent up resentment towards Justin here!” She laughs again but I can see in her eyes it’s not real, struggling to read what she's feeling right now, I just nod, “Yeah cause he's a brain dead idiot, his insidious filling his muscles from top to bottom.” She nudges me again, “Hey! You’ll fill out someday. Maybe.” This time she does laugh for real, I chuckle with her hoping my message got across. “I have you know Miss. Baker I’m going to take up swimming…or tennis, or maybe rock climbing; I haven't decided yet but I will fill out and before you know it, I’ll be bulking.” 

She lets out a genuine laugh at my last statement, she again turns her head towards me, “Let me ask you, is your dad also thin and nervous?” I hesitate before answering, contemplating lying but I don't, “Yeah, pretty much.” She grins again, “Well then I very much doubt that will be possible.” She laughs again at her own joke and looks out to the court yet again, “I’m hurt, Miss. Baker?! Okay, challenge accepted just you wait. You’ll be sorry you doubted me.” 

She looks at me again, her skin looking perfect even under the bright florescent light of the gym hall. She really is beautiful. Her eyes find mines, “I hope you do Mr. Jensen.” Again I fall head first into her deep eyes.

It hits me all at once. That the overwhelming feelings I have for this girl are not plausible, I don't know if it’s the fear from this dream that is suddenly becoming a reality, or looking into her eyes and her actually looking back at me for the first time, the fact that I’m now able to admit to myself that these feelings are there and this small beam of hope coming from my horrible dream that they may be reciprocated . I want her. Even if it’s not real and what’s happened in the last ten minutes it’s just pure coincidence, I can’t leave it to chance! I won't. I need to get her. I will. 

I catch Justin's eye on the court and we exchange a hateful glance towards one another and all of a sudden, out of nowhere I have a rush of confidence and an idea.

“Hey, Hannah?”, I look out to the court, again hoping to catch Justin's eye. One doing so I look back to her.

“Yes, Helmet?”, her hands on her lap, she turns to me yet again.

“Give me your phone.” I hold my hand out, palm open waiting for her to comply.

She smiles, for the 21st time today because of me, and reaches into her jacket and puts her phone in my hand.

I take her phone, unlock it and go to contacts. I press the button to add a new contact and type in my number putting my name as “Your Helmet”, I click to add a photo and swing my arm around her neck pulling her closer to me, her smell intoxicating me, I have to remind myself to focus. She squeals out a laugh and brings both her hands up to my forearm, a big smile spreads from ear to ear and I hold the camera up and take one picture of us both grinning into the phone, I quickly press save and push the home button. I open up the normal camera and take a few more, this time I turn my attention her her face looking at her as she smiles at the camera. Her head turns and our blue eyes meet, both our smiles fade and we are just staring into each others eyes. All sound slowly drowns out, only hearing the sound of the camera shutter going off. We stay like this for I honestly don't know how long only stopping when the buzzer sounds and the crowd starts screaming and clapping. 

We both get out of the trance we seem to have been in and I remove my arm, she looks down and grins tucking a few loose strands behind her ear she giggles and I clear my throat and hand her phone back. 

Clearing my throat again, “Um, so now you have my number, you need to use it. If you're ever feeling like you are about to go out with Justin, text me instead and we can do something.” 

“Okay, Helmet but is this the only way I'm aloud to text you, only when I’m about to go out with, ‘He how shall not be named’?” She puts her phone away and puts both hands on her lap once again, playing with her fingers a little. I never noticed her do that before. 

“Oh no, whenever you want but specifically with him!” I nod my head forward towards the court where Justin seems to be staring at me again and i cant help but feel a little smug. 

She laughs and nods her head, “You’ve got yourself a deal.” 

“Good.” I run my hands down my thighs and again try and watch the game. I look out and see Jeff sitting directly across from me, he has the biggest smile I have even seen on his face and I see him pull out his phone. 

My phone buzzes and Hannah looks at where the noise came from. “Sorry, one sec.”

Jeff Atkins: YOU GO DUDE SHES HOTT! Good for you bro you look cute together! And I’m sorry to ruin you little date you are on there but I’m leaving if you are wanting a ride - this game is crap, trust me baseball is a lot more fun. 5.01pm

Clay Jensen: Uh thanks and yeah okay I'll meet you at the front doors in 5!

His words annoy me as he is belittling her to just her appearance. Hannah is so much more than what she looks like, so much more.

“Hey, Hannah I gotta go, I'm sorry to leave you alone, do you want a ride home?” I stand up and put my phone in my back pocket. I look down at her and she smiles up at me. 

“Ever the gentleman aren't you? But no thanks. My Dads coming for me and the game finishes in 20 minutes anyway. I think I'll ride it out.” Her hands are still fidgeting in her lap. 

“Yeah okay cool, I'll see you tomorrow then?” I say just before I'm about to turn around and head for the doors. 

“Definitely. Till tomorrow Helmet.” She waves a little and smiles up at me once more. 

“Till tomorrow, Hannah.” I smile and walk down the stand and head towards the exit. While I'm walking I feel my phone buzz in my back pocket, I reach and take it out, I can't help but smile, just a little as I read the message walking out the gym hall doors,

Unknown Number: Hey it's Hannah. Hannah Baker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this pretty fast as I wanted to have a second chapter up, the third chapter will most likely be up earlier next week! 
> 
> If you have anything to say please leave a comment below!!


	3. Better Late Than Never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hi..... I feel like the chapter is well named for this situation. It's been a really long time since I have updated and I'm sorry. it's been a hard year but I'm in a good place right now let's see if we can really get this off the ground. 
> 
> This chapter is named "Better Late Than Never" by Outasight. 
> 
> Let me know what you think down in the comments, 
> 
> enjoy!!

“Seriously Jenson, where did that come from!? Dude, you were like dripping confidence what happened to you, it’s like you had been possessed, I love it, man.” Jeff is practically bouncing at the wheel with excitement for me and I’m bouncing with him.

“Dude I don’t know what happened-” Well I kind of do “-I just wanted to give her my number and I got an idea and I did it! I didn't think about it, I just did it and I mean it didn’t go terribly… did it?” 

He looks at me and he stared for a couple of seconds, “Dude watch the road!” I shout at him to get his attention to the front, he continues to look at me and laughs, “Jensen that girl looked into your eyes and got caught up in what I can only call a lust filled, hormone induced, sex and sweat wanting spell that had me feeling hot over the other side of the court!?” He finally looks back to the road, “Dude you are in. If I didn't know any better I’d say you're more than in, you guys looked like you were lovesick kids?! Twilight came to mind man!” He looks at me and laughs a little more. 

I can't help but look at him in shock, “You watched twilight!?” I hold in a laugh as best I could till his face became red and he started getting flustered, his face reddening, even more, letting out a nervous laugh. 

He sighs, “Okay look, man, yes, I do- DID it's me and my Moms thing, it's actually not that ba- hey look I don't need to defend myself to you okay? I know you won't tell anyone anyway” He says making his voice boom like in the library as my laughter that I physically can't stop is getting continually louder. 

“And why is that?” He turns his head towards me and his eye grow darker, my laughter diminishes.   
“Cause if you did, I'd kick your ass-” I look at him not sure what he's going to do or say next. “-and I'll spread some rumour that your dick is fucked up.” 

He starts laughing again and I join him. We have a strange relationship but it's definitely becoming more and more of a friendship. 

He stops at the lights just around from my house and leans his arm on the window just looking out onto the road, “In all serious Jensen you guys looked good together, you were laughing, comfortable and happy. Do understand how lucky you are to have a shot at that? Like pure love with someone that - from where I was sitting anyway - could love you back, that does love you back” 

I'm taking aback by his statement, shocked he not only thinks that me, Clay Jensen could have this with anyone, Hannah no less, but that he could actually want it? From what I have seen Jeff gets any girl he wants whenever he wants them? Girls fall after him, kill for his attention. I'm pretty sure girls have ended friendships over him?

“Jeff I'm kind of shocked you think I, of all people, have a shot at this kind of thing and you don't? I mean you're THE Jeff Atkins, come on? Pick a girl and she's all over you like glue?” 

The lights change but he doesn't move the car, he just looked ahead, he doesn't say anything.  
“Yeah well maybe I'm not like that, maybe I want the one girl who won't even look at me.”

I don’t know how to respond to him, I’m unsure If I should so I just reach my hand out and pat him on the back because I truly understand what he feels. He looks at me and I give him a little smile he gives me a small one back and looks back out onto the road and he begins to drives the car to my house.

 

I wake up on my own the next morning with the sun streaming through the window the thoughts of the game fresh in my mind. Where did it come from? I can't recall any moment of my entire existence where I have been that forward or that brave?

A picture of Hannah crying from my dreams reels through my mind- I rip the bed sheet off me and sit up. Legs swung over the bed with my head in my hands I rub my eyes, refusing to let myself think of that stupid dream again. I hear a knock and the door and before I can't utter a word my Moms has her head around the door, “Mom what did u say about boundaries?!”, I stand up and walk over to my desk to look at my phone. It's 7:45- shit I'm going to be late. 

“I was just making sure you were awake, sweetie. Are you okay? You look… I don't know… different?” I turn, now in a rush and give her a smile, “Yeah Mom I'm fine, I'm going to be late- I need to jump in the shower.” I walk around her kiss her cheek as I do so. I jog down the hall and into the bathroom, as I turn to shut the door she shouts my name, “Clay?” Her eyes slightly squinting, looking me up and down. “Yeh Mom?” She ponders for a second, “it's a good different.” 

I smile again and shut the door quickly shedding my clothes and turning in the water. Stepping in the hot water that's already steaming up the small pale blue room I let it wash away the dream once more, telling myself I won't think about it today. After five minutes of that mantra, I begin to make a move on actually washing.   
I dress quickly picking a blue shirt, automatically drawn to it as it's the same colour as her eyes- though truly it fails in comparison, there is nothing that could quite match their unique blend colours. Once dressed I grab my backpack and hoodie running down the stairs checking my phone again, 8:10. “Shit!” “ Mom? Dad? I have to go-” I run through to the kitchen and find them sipping coffee and reading papers around a breakfast table- “I'm late, I'll see you later” I begin to leave the room and my Dad shouts to me, “Clay you need a breakfast?” I turn to face him and walk back towards the door I reach and pick an apple off the counter- “There, happy?” I take a bite a shoot him a smile. “Exceedingly”   
I run out the door picking up my helmet on the way out, strap it on and jump on my bike, riding one handed as I scoff my Appel. I'm nearly late but I should just make it in time, I guess this means no bumping into Hannah in the halls this morning. I frown and the thought, this seemingly only making me pedal faster. 

When I arrive at school it's 8:25. Five minutes to spare, I lock up my bike and run into the front door heading in a B line towards my locker I need my Math book I left it yesterday. I get there just before the warning bell goes off after getting my stuff I slam the locker shut and in true Jeff manner, I hear him before I see him. 

“Jenson!” He rushes up behind me and picks me up. “Wow, dude chill put me down!” I laugh and he does, “How are we feeling this fine day Mr confidence?” He's definitely perked up after last night- “I'm fine.” He looks at me, “that's it? That's all I get? ‘Im fine’? Jenson come on she texted you last night? You were in?! What did you guys talk about?” His grin slowly diminishing as he watches my face change to pure shock and anguish. “Dude please tell me the conversation wasn't that bad.”   
I look at him and shake my head “There...I didn't… I didn't really message her back” His eyes widen in shock “WHAT!?” His voice booming down the hall- the few people who were there all turning to look at us, my face begins to red and I shove him, “Dude shut the hell up! I didn't think I was meant to- you didn't fucking tell me too?!” 

“Clay?! I shouldn't need too?”, my hands rush to my head and I bang my head on my locker, “Oh my god”, he grabs my shoulder and looks at me, “So you’re telling me that a girl, the girl you profess to love no less, messages you first, first! And you say nothing? You leave her on read?”   
I turn back to the locker, “Oh my God! Shit shit shit fuck shit.” He turns me back again and pushes me to start walking- “Come on we need to get to registration. Clay for a smart dude you really are a dumbass.” He starts the chuckle I punch him in the arm “Dude shut up and help me, what do I do now?” He laughs louder “I have no clue man, I've never left a girl on read”, he walks into his class still laughing. 

I walk forward to my registration In a daze. I get there seconds before the bell, my teacher shakes her head at me but gives me a stern nod that I think indicates her marking me present. I immediately turn and walk towards my first-period class, as I do I take my phone out my pocket and open Hannah's message. I look at it as I walk, thinking about what I could have and probably should have said. I reach my classroom door and summon all the courage I can muster and type out: ‘Hey Hannah, Hannah Baker.’My finger hovers over the send button- stupid response, I really am A dumbass. I am just about to move my finger to delete the message when I'm shoulder barged by some idiot freshmen trying to rush to class, and my phone drops to the floor. I look up and shout “Hey man watch where you're going, jeez!” He turns and shouts, “Sorry dude” and scampers off the class. I sigh as the bell rings. Picking up my phone, shoving it in my back pocket- forget about the stupid message I've fucked It up now anyway. I walk into my first period of the day, and the day already shaping up to be a crappy one 

 

By the time lunch comes around I'm starving so I race to the canteen and I'm nearly first in line. It goes pretty fast and before I know it I'm picking up 2 sandwiches, a Gatorade, chips, a brownie and a banana, heading off to find a seat outside in the quad. I walk out to the oak tree at the far end, it's my favourite place on the school grounds. The spot where the tree is makes the quad, baseball field, bleachers and the student parking lot all visible- I like it because I can basically see everyone but no one thinks to look out here for me especially when I sit down on the grass below. 

When I reach the tree I chuck my backpack down and take off my hoodie feeling just a little too warm with the sun beaming down. With summer fast approaching and spring in full spirit the wildflowers are beginning to spring up everywhere, their bright purples, blues and pinks flourishing, contrasting the green grass. The voices and noise of the pupils are muffled all the way back here so I decide to play music from my phone- no one will hear it here anyway. I whip my phone out my back pocket where it's been for the last several hours and look at the screen. 

Message from Hannah Baker 2hrs ago: Took you long enough to reply Helmet, you didn't forget about me, did you? 

My mind near short circuits as I read and re-read the message on my lock screen again. I slide it open wondering why the hell she has messaged me on her own accord after receiving not a word or hinder from me. I open our message chat and see that my message from this morning sent. How did it send? I didn't press the button…. my mind goes over this morning and the kid pops into my head when he shoved me I must I've pressed the button. “Shit!” I don't know what to think. I'm mean it's good she's messaged me back but what am I meant to say now as if “Hey Hannah, Hannah Baker” wasn't bad enough. 

I look at the message from her again, stuck on what to say so I slide up my on my screen and press play on my music window and AbbA “Take a chance on me” begging to play. “Ironic”.   
I laugh I little to myself, again summon my courage and start to type. 

Clay Jenson: You? Never! Though I must say it's nice to know you were waiting on my reply :) 12.44pm

I put my phone down and lock it not expect a reply anytime soon. I begin eating my lunch looking out at the students. I see Skye sitting at a bench on her own to the far right of the quad, she has her headphones in and her head down, drawing maybe. I can see Justin, Bryce and their group sitting on the bleachers and Jeff with his baseball friends in the parking lot. I haven't even finished my first sandwich when my phone buzzes and her name flashes across my screen. I smile and grab my phone, unlocking it speedily. 

Hannah Baker: Now now helmet, when did I say that? 12.49pm 

I laugh and type back a witty response, 

Clay Jenson: I'm pretty sure you implied it when saying ‘took you long enough’ giving me a reason to believe you were waiting for my message. 12.50pm 

I look up again, taking another bite now my eyes automatically searching for her. My phone buzzes again, 

Hannah Baker: Plead the 5th.   
Moving on, where are you right now it's of crucial importance that I find you. 12.52pm 

I laugh, 

Clay Jenson: And why is that? 12.53pm 

I again look out but can't seem to see her. My phone buzzes and I look down, 

Hannah Baker: As Justin has spotted me and is on his way over and I'm under strict instruction to be smart and stay away from the- in your words - asshole. 12.55pm 

I look up and notice Justin's not where he was previously with Bryce and the others- I still can't see Hannah or Justin now for that matter. I quickly message her back, 

Clay Jenson: I'm under the big oak tree at the back of the grounds- you can't miss it.   
And ‘asshole’ is in everyone's words btw. 12.56pm

I leave my phone, with the message window open on my one extended leg, starting my second sandwich. I keep my eyes up looking for her but I can't see anyone moving towards me. 

I lean my head back against the body of the tree, closing my eyes, lifting my head up towards the sun. I let out a large puff of air, my mind travels to thoughts of Hannah. The song on my phone changes to “chunky” by Bruno Mars and I laugh a little, remembering when Jeff added this song to my phone. He had said it was on his, “BANGing playlist”, a playlist not only made for a partying but for the bedroom, I laugh out loud at the memory. The heat of the sun on my face disappears and just before I open my eyes, I'm startled by a voice, 

“I’m glad you are able to laugh at your music taste.”

I open my eyes and see her, the sun beaming behind her head makes her look angelic, her smile travelling up to her blue eyes that are peering down at me. The first one of the day. She’s wearing a warm blue dress and is now removing her bag from her shoulder. 

I smile up at her, not able to draw my eyes away, “Hi.”  
“This is a sweet little set up you have going up here.” She drops her bag and turns in a near full circle to look around, “You can see everyone, but no one can see you. How poetic.” She looks back at me and frowns a little, I can see tell her mind is drifting, panic spreads across me as flashes of my dream play over in my head. I clear my throat and shake my head clear of the thought. 

“It's um… a silent sanctuary I guess.” I say looking up at her again catching her eyes, I smile at her, “And I’ll have you know there is NOTHING wrong with my music taste Ms Baker, this particular song was added by a friend… and it’s catchy.” We both laugh. I move over and stick my hand out towards her, “Sit.” 

She takes it and falls to the ground beside me. I straighten my self and put a little space between us, I turn my body towards her, “Have you ate?” 

She sighs and relaxes back into the body of the tree, closes her eyes much like I was doing before, “I began too but, I was so rudely interrupted by your voice in your mind when I saw Justin coming my way, that in my hurry to leave my seat with all my stuff I felt my sandwich on the table.” I laugh and her eyes open, “What?” 

“I’m sorry, Its just funny to picture you running away like that, I didn't think you'd actually listen to me if I'm honest.” I laugh and lean forward and hand her what's left of my sandwich.

“I’m not taking your lunch off you Helmet, you need it so you can grow up to be a big strong boy one day." She says with too much sarcasm. "-and why wouldn't I listen to you?” 

I continue to keep my arm outstretched, “I have already had one and almost half of this one so take it and I don’t know you just don't seem to the type to listen to instructions.” She takes the sandwich out of my hand.

“Thanks… and I’m not.” 

I don't really know how to respond, the answer only leaves me with more questions.

“So why did you?. Listen to me I mean.”

She takes a bite and looks out onto the quad, “Isn't that your friend over there? Her names Skye right?” 

I don't know why she doesn't answer my question but I let it go sensing she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I follow her gaze, “uhh yeah, and well we used to be, we drifted apart” 

She murmurs a noise of understanding. “She’s pretty.” 

“All girls are pretty,” I say with a laugh. She turns and looks at me, our eyes lock and she sits up straight, “Do you think I’m pretty clay?” All joking manner leaves her face and I’m stuck in her gaze, it feels like a truth serum and I before I can even stop myself it spills out,

“I think you’re beautiful.” 

I can feel my face begin to turn red and I clear my throat. I start laughing out of what I can only call sheer embarrassment. My hand goes to the back of my neck and I try to think of something else to say. I again am caught in her stare, and I’m shocked to see her face hasn't changed. Her head falls to the side slightly, her eyes still never breaking contact with my own. 

“Clay promise me you’ll always be honest with me, that you’ll never lie.” 

I don’t know how we got here and I don't know why she is asking me these things or whatever she is thinking but I feel compelled to be honest. 

“Never, I promise Hannah.” A comfortable silence sprawls out only filled by the music playing on my phone. When she finishes eating, she picks a small purple flower and plays with it in her hands and I’m left to sit and marvel at the wonder that is Hannah Baker. I’m completely baffled by this conversation and I’m rendered speechless to even try and spark up more conversation and this is how we sit for the rest of lunch, till the bell rings and we walk back to the school building.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, comment below with any thoughts.  
> Thank you!
> 
>  
> 
> If you are struggling with the thought of suicide and/or are in need of someone to talk to please find a hotline in your area.  
> http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html You never know what a conversation can do.


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